he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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