Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
