My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
