What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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