remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
