im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
