what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
