Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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