there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
