Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
