If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
