Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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