Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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