Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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