2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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