sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
