I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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