I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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