What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
