I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
