an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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