I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you inspire me to be a worse person
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
