In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I cannot find my penis.
Apparently you make a good broom.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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