i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
