dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
