I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
