I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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