You can't motorboat a personality
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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