It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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