Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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