I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
two words...techno handjob
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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