I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize