i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
