I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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