She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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