; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
