My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
