we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
