just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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