We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
