I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your cock deserves a montage
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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