im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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