Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
