There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
a search helicopter?!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
