im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
