I looked at my own cervix.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
