She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize