Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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