saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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