We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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