MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
