i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
