Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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