I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
