Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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