Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
