I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
