Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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