yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
